New Food: The Toilet-Bombing Heart-Molester

            I’ll always try anything once. A wide variety of strange food has graced my palate, from kimchi to tripe, and kangaroo to rocky mountain oysters. Some have tasted better than expected, and some worse. So for this project, I wanted to try something different. Instead of eating a food that only certain people in the world eat, I wanted to eat something that nobody in their right mind would eat. Hence, the Toilet-Bombing Heart-Molester.

            If you google search that, you’ll find it’s a novelty food item that combines different foods from different crappy fast food establishments. There’s a few variations of this monstrosity, but the one that I grew up hearing about involves making a sandwich out of a Taco Bell taco pizza, a Pizza Hut personal pizza, and French fries from a restaurant of your choice. I decided to give this a try, because apparently I hate myself. The following is a minute-by-minute replay of what went down.

0:00 – I take my first bite, and it’s not as bad as I was expecting.

1:00 – I thought that the middle of the pizza taco had ground beef. Turns out it’s refried beans. That’s a disappointment.

2:00 – What kind of person orders a taco pizza from Taco Bell?

3:00 – First quarter is done. This is a lot easier than I thought it would be.

4:00 – The thing has lost its novelty and I’m ready for it to be over.

5:00 – I realized it’s a huge coincidence that today is National Pizza Day

6:00 – Second slice is done. The world is a dark and cruel place.

7:00 – I realize the refried beans have the consistency of wet sand

8:00 – “Where is your God now!?” – the Toilet-Bombing Heart-Molester

9:00 – I reach the crust of my third slice, and I’m done. And I walk away from this experience a little bit wiser.